Rob Maher

Originally published February 17, 2006.

It’s time for some new stereotypes people.  It’s 2006 and I’m tired of hearing the same old same old.  You know, black people love chicken, all Asians know Karate, white guys can’t jump and guys named Rob are great in bed.  Its time we start propagating some new shit.  If they make sense to you, great.  If not, who fuckin’ cares?  Read and then please begin to use these stereotypes in your everyday life.  Spread the word people.

1.  Black people can’t see rainbows.  I don’t remember any black people in The Wizard of Oz.  Have you ever seen a black Leprechaun?  Of course you haven’t because black people can’t see rainbows.  It is declared.

2.  Asians don’t like Ketchup.  Have you ever seen a bottle of Heinz 57 at a Chinese Restaurant?  Of course you haven’t.  While dining at PF Changs, you’ve never heard anyone utter the question, “Can you please pass the ketchup?”  Mustard?  Yes.  Soy sauce?  Yes.  Duck sauce? Yes.  Ketchup?  Hell no!  What, ketchup isn’t good enough for General Tso?  Fuck General Tso!  I call bullshit.

3.  White girls can’t parallel park.  Be honest here.  Let’s say your life depends on who can parallel park the best.  Who ya going to take between Stevie Wonder, an epileptic monkey, a drunk, retarded midget with one arm and a white girl?  The answer is of course, anybody but Sally or Becky or insert any white girl name.

4.  Jews can’t draw.  They can withdraw cash like a motherfucker but they can’t actually draw anything.  You’ll never see an art Professor named Feinstein.

5.  All Hispanics snore.  Every last one of them.  Why do you think Edward Norton left Salma Hayek?  He knew he was never going to get anyone hotter but he also knew he wasn’t going to ever get any damn sleep lying next buzz saw every night.  Being stuck in a hotel room with Gloria Estefan and the Miami Sound Machine while they sleep will actually make you wish you were stuck at a Gloria Estefan and the Miami Sound Machine concert.  ‘Nuff said.

There’s more to come but that’s enough to digest for now.

Originally published February, 2006.

Remember fellas when you used to be able to call a woman a bitch and get a real rise out of her?  Ahh, the good old days.  Well, those days are long gone.  The word bitch just doesn’t have the same bite it used to. Women now routinely call themselves a bitch or refer to their friends as their bitches.  Now being a bitch just means you don’t take any shit and you don’t let some man tell you what to do.  Being a bitch is empowering.

This sucks for us guys because we need something to say to you damn bitches to piss you off.  We’ve still got whore and slut but those are starting to lose their power to.  Women like sex just as much as guys do and the whole if-a-guy-sleeps-around-then-he’s-a-stud-but-if-a-woman-sleeps-around-she’s-a-slut double standard resonates with a lot of girls. You call a girl a slut these days and she’s likely to just laugh it off and come back with something like, “You’re just jealous I’m getting more than you.”  Bam, now she’s won the argument and you look like the asshole.  Damn you bitch whores!

So what are we to do fellas?  I think our hand has been forced and it pains me to have to go their ladies but you’ve given us no other choice. Oh I’m sure we could try to act mature and not resort to name calling but come on, we’re guys, we have no self control.  You ladies tell us that everyday.  So without the use of bitch, slut and whore its time to break out, yep you guessed it, the “C” word.  Time to dust off old reliable. Nothing does the trick like a well placed “Fuck you Cunt!”  Anything less than that just bounces off you girls.  This ain’t your Daddy’s female gentlemen.  You gotta come out guns blazin’ or it’s too late.  Enjoy it while it lasts fellas for just like it’s sisters bitch, slut and whore, cunt to will one day go by the wayside.   They say all good things come to an end and being able to get under a girl’s skin by calling her a cunt is no exception.  It might be 3 years, it might be 5 years, it might be 10 years but one day in the future women will embrace cunt like they have every other insult and make into their own word.  They’re a crafty bunch those damn bitch whore cunts.  Today you call a girl a cunt; she slaps you in the face.  Tomorrow you’re at Hallmark buying your fiance that coffee mug she wanted.  You know, the one with “Worlds Biggest Cunt” written on it.  Times are a changin’.

Originally published January, 2006.

Fellas, always tell a girl you have a small penis.  Whether your packing four or fourteen, always say you have a small one.  There are several reasons for this.  First of all, if you tell a girl your huge down there she probably won’t believe you.  She figures every guy says that.  It’s in one ear and out the other.  But by saying your small, this piques her interest because no guy claims that.  Now she’s wondering about your penis. She’s asking herself questions.  “Why would he say he has a small penis?  Does he really have a small penis?  Maybe he has a huge penis and he’s just saying it’s small.  Maybe it is small but he just has enough confidence in himself that he doesn’t care that it’s small.  Maybe he thinks its small but it’s really average.”  https://analbeads.pro/ Now she’s got your penis on your mind and that’s a good thing.   She’s curious about your penis. This doesn’t mean she’s going to do you just to find out but it does help your chances, which brings us to the best part of this little theory.

Let’s say you do end up hooking up with this girl who you’ve told you’re small.  Whether you are in actuality small, medium or large down there, you end up like a champ regardless.  Let’s say you’re a little on the small side.  You go to have sex and she sees that you are in fact lacking.  She’s now saying to herself, “Oh my God he is small.  He wasn’t lying.  He was completely honest with me.  Honesty is sexy.  I love a guy who’s honest.  He was upfront with me the whole time.  No games, no bullshit.  And he had the confidence to admit he had a small penis.  He didn’t care that I knew that for he knows he has so much more to offer.  That’s so sexy.  I’m going to go and fuck the shit out of this small penis.”  Brilliant.  Score one for the small guy.

Let’s say your Johnny average.  She’s expecting a small penis but when she sees your Mr. Medium she’s pleasantly surprised.  It’s always a good thing whenever you end up being larger than what the girl expects.  She sees it and she’s like, “He’s not small at all.  There’s nothing wrong with his penis.  It’s a perfectly respectable penis.  I bet some dumb bitch of an ex-girlfriend told this poor guy he was tiny and he’s had to live his whole life thinking that.  Poor guy.  Women can be so cruel sometimes.  All this guy needs is a little confidence.  I bet I can get him to come out of his shell.   I’m going to go and fuck the shit out of this medium penis.”  Brilliant.  Score one for the average guy.

Let’s say your packing some extra down there.  She’s going to see it and be all, “ Wow, its fucking huge!  This guy was just messing with me the whole time.  He knew he was hung.  He’s got the confidence to say he’s small because he knows what he’s really got.  That’s hot.  He so surprised me.  I love surprises.  This guy keeps me on my toes.  I don’t know what he’s going to do next.  It’s an adventure being with him. I’m going to go and fuck the shit out of this giant penis.”  Brilliant. Score one for Mr. Big.

So ladies, for the record, I have an incredibly small penis.  I’m hung like a seahorse.  Call me.