I just did eight fabulous shows at the DC Improv. Here’s a video of me talking about my favorite game show, Family Feud.
Hey Everybody. I am in the running to be on an awesome new reality TV show called The Regulars. Here’s all the details. In the meantime, you can help me out by showing the production company some Rob Maher love. For Facebookers, please go to QuenchTV , “Like” their page and then leave a comment about how awesome I am with the hashtag #TeamRob. You can do the same for Twitter @QuenchTV. Thank you! #TeamRob
Along with some help from the DC Improv crowd, I ponder how long should sex last? Click me! I say 20 minutes. But if I’m really being honest, 10. OK, 3. Don’t judge me.
I’m doing some sports talk radio this Tuesday night from 7-9pm. I am sitting in with the guys from BT Sports Radio on the National Talk-Radio Network. If you can’t listen live you can always download it later. I’ll probably tell the story about how I taught Albert Haynesworth in Driver Improvement Class.
And you can always here me every Monday night on the Rob and Joe Show. It’s the greatest comedy podcast of all time. Or at least top 1,000.
Have you checked out the Rob and Joe Show YouTube Channel yet? Well you should immediately. We have highlight clips from every episode. A perfect thing to do while sitting at the job you hate. Enjoy. www.youtube.com/robjoeshow
Hey Everybody. My new CD, Once You Go White… is now available. I recorded it at the Riot Act Comedy Theater in Washington, DC. I super happy and proud at how it turned out. Here is the iTunes link for it.
Each week I write a column for the Montgomery County Sentinel. Here’s my most recent.
This week’s column is about Katy Perry. Katy Perry is an extremely successful pop singer. Just about every song she releases goes number one. All of her songs sound exactly the same but I guess if it aint broke don’t fix it. Playing name that tune with her songs would be almost impossible. Umm, I can’t name that tune in every note. That could be any song she’s ever done. But one song in particular stands out to me. Not because of how it sounds, but because of the lyrics. Katy Perry’s “Last Friday Night” is a danger to society. They say the children are the future. Well I sure hope not because with all the teenage girls that love Katy Perry and this song, we are in big trouble.
The song starts with this lovely verse.
There’s a stranger in my bed,
There’s a pounding my head
Glitter all over the room
Pink flamingos in the pool
I smell like a minibar
DJ’s passed out in the yard
Barbie’s on the barbeque
You never want to start your day with a stranger in your bed. We are taught as children to not even talk to strangers let alone wake up with one. If you wake up next to a stranger I think the pounding in your head is the least of your worries. Glitter all over the room, pink flamingos in the pool, passed out DJ’s and Barbie on a barbecue? Is this the script for The Hangover 3? No. It’s a catchy hit single that teenage girls sing along to. Let’s jump ahead to some of my favorite parts from the chorus.
Last Friday night
Yeah we danced on tabletops
And we took too many shots
Think we kissed but I forgot
Yeah, we get that you forget things. Like who’s the stranger you woke up next to.
Last Friday night
Yeah we maxed our credit cards
And got kicked out of the bar
So we hit the boulevard
Great, we’re not just a crazy drinker; we’re also bad with money. You should never max your credit cards out but if you do it should be for something important like getting your car fixed or maybe a washer and dryer for your house but never for tequila shots and apple martinis.
Last Friday night
We went streaking in the park
Skinny dipping in the dark
Then had a menage a trois
Oh boy. Now were running naked through the park and nothing bad ever happens late at night in a park. Let’s follow that up with some nude swimming and then some good ole threesome action. At least the kids are learning some French while dancing to this debauchery. But it gets better. Here’s my favorite part.
Trying to connect the dots
Don’t know what to tell my boss
Think the city towed my car
Chandelier is on the floor
With my favorite party dress
Warrants out for my arrest
Think I need a ginger ale
That was such an epic fail
A ginger ale? I think you need a time machine. You need to go back to Friday morning and make sure this night never happens. And the song ends with…
This Friday night
Do it all again
This Friday night
Do it all again
What? You didn’t learn anything from this night from hell? The stranger in your bed, the maxed out credit cards, the group sex, the warrants for your arrest… None of this made you stop and say; hmm…maybe I need to slow down? Nope. Let’s do it all again next week. Let’s rinse and repeat. New Friday night, new stranger in my bed Saturday morning. Woohoo!
And throughout this little ditty T.G.I.F. is chanted. I think if you are a parent of a teenage daughter you are never thanking God its Friday. You are longing for a manic Monday and scared to death of when Katy Perry writes a song about Saturday night.
These are my predictions for 2012. They will happen. I have a gift for these things. If you don’t want to know which famous celebrity will die this year, who Kim Kardashian will date next, this year’s Super Bowl winner, the next great tech invention or many other 2012 tidbits please stop reading now. I don’t want to spoil the entire year for you. For the rest of you, enjoy.
1. Hollywood will continue the trend of making movies out of TV Shows. In 2012 production of The Fall Guy will begin. The Fall guy was an awesome 80’s TV show about a stuntman who moonlights as a bounty hunter. It starred Lee Majors. Today’s version will star Jason Statham. It will be in 3D. I will see it seven times.
2. A new iPhone will come out. People will make way too big of a deal over it. People, well just guys actually, will wait in long lines for hours to get it. Once they get it they will be very happy but only for a short time because this iPhone, just like every other iPhone, will not come with a girlfriend.
3. Kim Kardashian is single again fellas so we have all a chance again. And by all, I mean professional athletes. That takes me way out of the running. The early rumors have Kim and the soon to be divorced Kobe Bryant getting together or her possibly getting back with Reggie Bush. I don’t see it. She’s done the whole NBA and NFL thing and by done the whole NBA and NFL I mean she’s done the whole NBA and NFL. I am pretty sure she was a part of both leagues Collective Bargaining Agreement. So with that said, I see Kim changing things up a bit. It’s time to date a hockey player. Mr. Ovechkin, I’d like to introduce you to Miss Kardashian. And if things go really well for the Caps, maybe the Great 8 can end up with the sports world’s two most prized possessions, the Stanley Cup and Kim Kardashian. He shoots he scores
4. This next prediction pains me to say but in 2012 we will lose a legend. William Shatner will pass away. I am not sure how he will die but I am sure it will be in the coolest way possible. R.I.P. Captain Kirk.
5. There will be another Twilight movie this year. I will remain on Team Don’t Give A Crap
6. An exciting new tech invention will come about this year. It’s a new feature for phones, the Motive Idea. It’s an advanced caller id. This new feature will not only tell you who is calling but will tell you what they want also. For example, your phone rings and says Dave is calling and that Dave needs help moving. You now know not to answer. When he calls back a month later to tell you about the house warming party you answer immediately. Good job 2012 technology.
7. Every year there are more reality TV shows and 2012 will be no different. I am especially looking forward to The Gumar. It’s a Bachelor style show where a mob boss goes on a series of dates with 25 women eventually narrowing them down to one lucky winner who gets to be his mistress, aka Gumar. I can’t wait!
8. Lightning round. Packers repeat as does Obama who wins despite getting less than 50% of the popular vote. The Help wins best picture. Adele wins every Grammy. I will drink less than last year but still too much and it will snow 9 inches on January 24th so plan accordingly.
Before I go, let me check the Mayan Calendar I got for Christmas. Let me see here….my birthday’s on a Friday this year, that’s cool…..Halloween’s on a Saturday, awesome. Ok, what else do we have here……………Oh, that’s not good. One last prediction people, the world ends in 2012. We all die. Except for Shatner. I was wrong about that earlier. He will survive. Nothing can kill Captain Kirk.
Facebook has taken over the world and I don’t “Like” it. You’ve created a monster Mark Zuckerberg. Everyone’s on Facebook these days which means everyone you’d never want to hear from, everyone you’d never want to see, everyone who has nothing to add to this world has a Facebook page, a loud, obnoxious, pointless Facebook page. I don’t want to go to your stupid event, hang out in Farmville or see pictures of your lame vacation. The less interaction I have with people the more I like people but I am a comedian so I have to have a Facebook page. It’s a must have for me but what’s your excuse?
I am a big fan of keeping my worlds separate. I like to keep my ex-girlfriends apart, my former coworkers separate from my new coworkers and especially my family separate from my friends and to be honest, my life. I prefer to control how much of my goings on my family knows. Facebook makes that impossible. My Mom is on Facebook. She is a wonderful woman who I love dearly. You will always be my Mother but you will never be my Facebook friend. Sorry Mom. Sure, it’s clearly better I found my Mother on Facebook than say, craigslist but I can’t have my Mom being my friend on Facebook. That will change how I act on Facebook. If my Mom is my friend then my Facebook status updates would change. I’d be like, “Just got done saving money. Loving those vegetables. Checked in at the library, etc….” That’s not me! My actual Facebook updates are much different. “Just hooked up with a stripper. Doritos for breakfast is so underrated. Checked in at the liquor store, etc…” These aren’t subjects I want brought up at Thanksgiving. No Facebook friends for us Mother but you can hit me up on MySpace anytime.
I truly believe Facebook is dumbing the world down. It’s making us more stupider. It’s killing the art of conversation and it’s all because of the “Like” button. The “Like” button allows you to participate in the conversation without adding a single thing to it. I am guilty of this myself. Someone will make an excellent point and I will truly have something to add to that point but I almost always fall prey to that damn button. For example, my buddy Dave makes an excellent point about how fraudulent the BCS is. I couldn’t agree more. I start to type. Dave, I definat…..wait, how do you spell definitly? Is it “ly” or “ley?, efi or….screw it. “Like!” I give up and cop out at the first sign of trouble. Damn you Facebook. If they ever come out with a “Dislike” button, and you know they will, I will never have to give an opinion again. 40 years from now we are going to have people running for President who grew up on Facebook. Senator Johnson, unemployment rose 2% last quarter. Your thoughts. “Umm…dislike.”
Romantic relationships are hard enough as it is. Facebook just makes them harder. You start dating a girl but forget to change your FB status from single to in a relationship and next thing you know there’s a talkie talk. Ugh, please shoot me. You innocently comment on some other girl or guy’s photo and bam, you’re in hot water. Facebook is a relationship landmine field. You’re always just one click or comment away from drama. Even when FB isn’t causing relationship drama it still makes me angry. There are plenty of married couples who both are on FB. I am especially annoyed when I see the wife go on the husband’s wall and write how wonderful a guy he is or how he’s the greatest husband ever. Uh, he’s right there next to you in the room. Why are you online? Stop typing. This is the wrong use of your hands. He’s lying right next to you. Like him. He will poke you for real.
Despite all this I am convinced Facebook is here to stay. The movie, “Social Network” convinced me. The movie is all about Mark Zuckerburg and how Facebook was created. The movie is excellent but you come away from it thinking Zuckerburg stole the idea for Facebook and that he is the biggest jerk that ever lived. You come away hating yourself for helping put money in this disloyal ass’s pocket. You leave the movie with a strong dislike of Mark Zuckerburg. But then you go on Facebook and talk about it. Facebook wins again. See you there. www.facebook.com/rob.maher
Here is my weekly column for the Montgomery Sentinel.
The occupy movement is all over the news these days but it won’t step foot in this column. This column is all about a movement that is much closer to my heart and to my stomach, the Occupie Movement. What is the Occupie Movement, you ask. It’s a movement that’s sweeping the nation and by sweeping the nation I mean I just made it up. The Occupie Movement is all about pie…. yummy, delicious pie. Our goal as occupiers is to let the world know that pie is better than cake. We all have our purpose in life and mine is to preach about pie. I am sure some of you are wondering, is this movement really necessary? Hell yeah it is. Every cooking show these days on desserts is all about cake or cupcakes. Generations of children are growing up thinking loud, obnoxious, over the top cakes and cute, little, wimpy cupcakes are what’s cool. I don’t want our children growing up without a proper appreciation of pie. We can’t let the cake terrorists win. Pie beats cake every time. Now let me tell you why.
First of all, Pie tastes better. Everyone and I mean everyone loves pie. Have you ever seen anyone throw out any pie? Of course not. Cake gets thrown out all the time. Pie has so much more variety and depth to it. Pie can be hot, cold, savory or sweet. Pie has flavors like apple, cherry, key lime, coconut cream, rhubarb, pecan and chicken pot. Cake has yellow, white and black. What does yellow taste like? And yes I know about ice cream cake and cheesecake but those aren’t really cake. Ice cream cake is delicious because it has ice cream in it! You put ice cream in broccoli and broccoli might even taste good. I think it was Ben Franklin that once said, “If it can melt it isn’t cake.” Well maybe it was me that said that but whatever… The point is ice cream cake isn’t really cake and neither is cheesecake. Cheesecake is really a custard pie. There’s nothing cakey about it. Score another one for pie.
Second, cakes are for decorating. I watch Ace of Cakes and Cake Boss all the time. Every show they make these beautiful cakes that without a doubt should be admired. This cake looks like a baseball mitt, this one is our pet cat, this one is the Baltimore skyline, this cake shoots fireworks, etc. Every episode the client’s rave about how great the cake looks but no one ever mentions how good it tastes. Same deal with weddings. It’s all about how it looks not how it tastes. Cake is style over substance. Cake is that really hot girl with the really boring personality. Pie is the girl you marry.
Finally, pie evokes family and the Holidays. It makes you smile just thinking about it. At the end of every great holiday meal you have pie. We all have that Grandmother with her secret Apple Pie recipe that’s been passed down through the generations. You remember how good it used to smell in her kitchen? Cake doesn’t have a smell. Yankee Candle doesn’t sell cake scented candles. No one wants to smell icing.
The Occupie Movement is upon us people. It is our duty as pie loving people to rise up and fight the good fight, eat the good pie. I’ve started a Facebook page for the Occupie Movement. Really, I did. https://www.facebook.com/occupiemovement I expect all of you to go “Like” the page. It’s the right thing to do. Also, please go to the page and share some recipes. Or better yet come to my house and bake for me. I prefer Key Lime in case you were wondering. But most importantly, spread the word Occupiers. The Occupie Movement is real and it’s here to stay. We will not be denied. Say it loud, we love pie and we’re proud. Cakes are for decorating, pies are for devouring. Let freedom ring.