Hey Everybody. My new CD, Once You Go White… is now available. I recorded it at the Riot Act Comedy Theater in Washington, DC. I super happy and proud at how it turned out. Here is the iTunes link for it.
http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/once-you-go-white…/id500788797
Each week I write a column for the Montgomery County Sentinel. Here’s my most recent.
This week’s column is about Katy Perry. Katy Perry is an extremely successful pop singer. Just about every song she releases goes number one. All of her songs sound exactly the same but I guess if it aint broke don’t fix it. Playing name that tune with her songs would be almost impossible. Umm, I can’t name that tune in every note. That could be any song she’s ever done. But one song in particular stands out to me. Not because of how it sounds, but because of the lyrics. Katy Perry’s “Last Friday Night” is a danger to society. They say the children are the future. Well I sure hope not because with all the teenage girls that love Katy Perry and this song, we are in big trouble.
The song starts with this lovely verse.
There’s a stranger in my bed,
There’s a pounding my head
Glitter all over the room
Pink flamingos in the pool
I smell like a minibar
DJ’s passed out in the yard
Barbie’s on the barbeque
You never want to start your day with a stranger in your bed. We are taught as children to not even talk to strangers let alone wake up with one. If you wake up next to a stranger I think the pounding in your head is the least of your worries. Glitter all over the room, pink flamingos in the pool, passed out DJ’s and Barbie on a barbecue? Is this the script for The Hangover 3? No. It’s a catchy hit single that teenage girls sing along to. Let’s jump ahead to some of my favorite parts from the chorus.
Last Friday night
Yeah we danced on tabletops
And we took too many shots
Think we kissed but I forgot
Yeah, we get that you forget things. Like who’s the stranger you woke up next to.
Last Friday night
Yeah we maxed our credit cards
And got kicked out of the bar
So we hit the boulevard
Great, we’re not just a crazy drinker; we’re also bad with money. You should never max your credit cards out but if you do it should be for something important like getting your car fixed or maybe a washer and dryer for your house but never for tequila shots and apple martinis.
Last Friday night
We went streaking in the park
Skinny dipping in the dark
Then had a menage a trois
Oh boy. Now were running naked through the park and nothing bad ever happens late at night in a park. Let’s follow that up with some nude swimming and then some good ole threesome action. At least the kids are learning some French while dancing to this debauchery. But it gets better. Here’s my favorite part.
Trying to connect the dots
Don’t know what to tell my boss
Think the city towed my car
Chandelier is on the floor
With my favorite party dress
Warrants out for my arrest
Think I need a ginger ale
That was such an epic fail
A ginger ale? I think you need a time machine. You need to go back to Friday morning and make sure this night never happens. And the song ends with…
This Friday night
Do it all again
This Friday night
Do it all again
What? You didn’t learn anything from this night from hell? The stranger in your bed, the maxed out credit cards, the group sex, the warrants for your arrest… None of this made you stop and say; hmm…maybe I need to slow down? Nope. Let’s do it all again next week. Let’s rinse and repeat. New Friday night, new stranger in my bed Saturday morning. Woohoo!
And throughout this little ditty T.G.I.F. is chanted. I think if you are a parent of a teenage daughter you are never thanking God its Friday. You are longing for a manic Monday and scared to death of when Katy Perry writes a song about Saturday night.
These are my predictions for 2012. They will happen. I have a gift for these things. If you don’t want to know which famous celebrity will die this year, who Kim Kardashian will date next, this year’s Super Bowl winner, the next great tech invention or many other 2012 tidbits please stop reading now. I don’t want to spoil the entire year for you. For the rest of you, enjoy.
1. Hollywood will continue the trend of making movies out of TV Shows. In 2012 production of The Fall Guy will begin. The Fall guy was an awesome 80’s TV show about a stuntman who moonlights as a bounty hunter. It starred Lee Majors. Today’s version will star Jason Statham. It will be in 3D. I will see it seven times.
2. A new iPhone will come out. People will make way too big of a deal over it. People, well just guys actually, will wait in long lines for hours to get it. Once they get it they will be very happy but only for a short time because this iPhone, just like every other iPhone, will not come with a girlfriend.
3. Kim Kardashian is single again fellas so we have all a chance again. And by all, I mean professional athletes. That takes me way out of the running. The early rumors have Kim and the soon to be divorced Kobe Bryant getting together or her possibly getting back with Reggie Bush. I don’t see it. She’s done the whole NBA and NFL thing and by done the whole NBA and NFL I mean she’s done the whole NBA and NFL. I am pretty sure she was a part of both leagues Collective Bargaining Agreement. So with that said, I see Kim changing things up a bit. It’s time to date a hockey player. Mr. Ovechkin, I’d like to introduce you to Miss Kardashian. And if things go really well for the Caps, maybe the Great 8 can end up with the sports world’s two most prized possessions, the Stanley Cup and Kim Kardashian. He shoots he scores
4. This next prediction pains me to say but in 2012 we will lose a legend. William Shatner will pass away. I am not sure how he will die but I am sure it will be in the coolest way possible. R.I.P. Captain Kirk.
5. There will be another Twilight movie this year. I will remain on Team Don’t Give A Crap
6. An exciting new tech invention will come about this year. It’s a new feature for phones, the Motive Idea. It’s an advanced caller id. This new feature will not only tell you who is calling but will tell you what they want also. For example, your phone rings and says Dave is calling and that Dave needs help moving. You now know not to answer. When he calls back a month later to tell you about the house warming party you answer immediately. Good job 2012 technology.
7. Every year there are more reality TV shows and 2012 will be no different. I am especially looking forward to The Gumar. It’s a Bachelor style show where a mob boss goes on a series of dates with 25 women eventually narrowing them down to one lucky winner who gets to be his mistress, aka Gumar. I can’t wait!
8. Lightning round. Packers repeat as does Obama who wins despite getting less than 50% of the popular vote. The Help wins best picture. Adele wins every Grammy. I will drink less than last year but still too much and it will snow 9 inches on January 24th so plan accordingly.
Before I go, let me check the Mayan Calendar I got for Christmas. Let me see here….my birthday’s on a Friday this year, that’s cool…..Halloween’s on a Saturday, awesome. Ok, what else do we have here……………Oh, that’s not good. One last prediction people, the world ends in 2012. We all die. Except for Shatner. I was wrong about that earlier. He will survive. Nothing can kill Captain Kirk.