Rob Maher

Originally published April 13, 2006.

“Black girls are the new puppy.” That is a quote from the great African-American Poet/Author Maya Angelou. Actually it’s a quote from my friend Dawn who does happen to be black and quite poetic. She also happens to be right, black girls are the new puppy. Let’s explain the puppy part first. A puppy is a chick magnet for a guy. If you are seen walking some adorable puppy, women will flock to you. You walking, loving, taking care of a cute, adorable puppy scores you major points. You are now sensitive. You are now seen as capable of love. You are now everything you probably aren’t, but girls get caught up in the bullshit hence you’re in there. You don’t need a first move or an opening line when you have some puppy by your side. The puppy is your first move. It is your opening line. Having a dog allows you to be a dog. Dogs are a man’s best friend for a reason.

This brings us to the black girl part. If you are a white guy and you walk into a club/bar/party with a black girl, you are gold, baby. You get every positive black guy stereotype placed on you plus every great white guy stereotype placed on you. You are superman. You can dance, have a big penis, have a great job and great credit, too. And most importantly, you are now seen as confident. Confidence is sexy to a girl and black guys have the confident thing down. Whether it’s an act or if it’s the real thing doesn’t matter. A black guy in a club is one confident seeming motherfucker. A black guy will walk up to any and every fine girl, black, white, it doesn’t matter and can get shut down completely by that girl and not be fazed at all. Oh well, it’s on to the next girl. A white guy gets shut down once in a night and we are done! Shot down in a blaze of awkward. Our egos can’t handle rejection. Our dicks get smaller after a lukewarm yes. We are pussies!!! But when you walk into that club/bar/party with a black girl, perception changes. You are no longer that typical, no confidence, small dick white guy. You are now insert any white guy name X. You are now Chad X or Kyle X or Brandon X. Your shit is right and you get what you want by any means necessary. You have been given the black girl stamp of approval. You are in, baby! Say it loud, you’re black approved and you’re proud!

But fellas, you can’t have the black girl you came in with be all over you. That will scare the white girls off for we all know white girls are afraid of black girls. It will also piss off the black guys fo sho. Now you got a room full of white girls who won’t even look at you and a room full of black guys who are not really feeling the whole can’t we all just along vibe. At that point your best bet is to be the gay friend. So in order to save your ass you gotta be the gay guy. That was funny. Now laugh.

The point is, you need your sista to take on the wingman role. My girl Dawn has got this shit down. She’s a closer. You can be Maverick and she’ll be Iceman. Go to her page now and ask, no beg for her services, (http://www.myspace.com/dawndeedawn) Read her blogs while you’re at it. She’s quite the girl. You’ll be smitten in no time.

So to my white brethren, go find yourself an accommodating, willing black girl and get to work. Walk into the club with her by your side. Have some pics of yours or someone’s adorable puppy on your cell and watch the women flock. How Kyle Got His Groove Back coming soon to a club near you.

Originally published April 5, 2006.

All right girls, enough with the surveys. I don’t have a problem with you filling out the surveys.  I don’t have a problem with you posting them as bulletins.  You’re bored at work and you’re trying to kill time.  That’s cool.  I understand that.  My problem is that you don’t answer every question.  I’m so tired of seeing this.

1. Favorite color?  Blue like my eyes
2. What did you have your breakfast?  Scrambled eggs and bacon
3. Last person you talked to?  My girl Sarah
4. Ever been in love?  Lots
5. Do you sing in the shower?  Like Mariah
6. Ever had a threesome?  Wouldn’t you like to know?

I call bullshit!  Answer the fucking question!  No one made you take this survey.  You decided under your own free will to take it so that means you take it.  Answer every question or answer none.  Wouldn’t you like to know?  Yes, of course I would like to know.  You know what I wouldn’t like to know?  The answers to the previous 5 questions!  I don’t care what the last song you downloaded was.  I don’t care who the 4^th text message on your phone is from.  I don’t care who you went to prom with or who your first crush was on or what your first car was.  I do care if you’ve danced naked on a bar.  I do care if you’ve ever had a one night stand or made out with a girl.  But do you answers those questions?  Hell fuck no!  You’re always like, “I don’t kiss and tell” or “No comment” or “A bit personal don’t you think?”  Of course it’s personal!  The whole fucking survey is personal!  You have no problem disclosing if you’ve ever been in love with the 4^th person in your top 8 but God forbid someone asks you if you’ve ever owned a vibrator.

Let’s vent some more shall we?  OK.  Girls, go easy on the page pimping out.  Remember, the idea is to make you and learning about you more accessible.  The idea is not to have so much shit on your page that it shuts down people’s computers.  I’m constantly going to girls pages who have like 3 songs blasting, 4 music videos playing, 16 different colors, 12 fonts, the cursor’s a butterfly one second and then the next it’s a stiletto heel.  You’ve managed to design your page with a color scheme that makes reading the text virtually impossible.  I need a black light and 3-D glasses just to make out your name only to find out you’re going by your probably self-proclaimed nickname KinkyKitten. So basically all I’ve learned about you is what you look like.  Oh wait  Every fucking picture you have up is with you and like 4 of your friends.  I now have to look at all 12 of your pictures and do some sort of process of elimination thing to figure out which one is you.  I have to turn into a Hardy Boy just to see what you look like.  Ten minutes later, I finally figure out which girl you are and shocker, what I should have known from the beginning, out of all the girls pictured, you’re the one who’s least attractive.

For the record, none of this applies to any of you girls who I happen to be friends with already.  I love you all and I’m honored to know you. I’ll even take a survey to prove it.

Originally published February 21, 2006.

I’ve always liked the Olympics.  I love sports in general and the Olympics, in my opinion, are sports at its most pure form.  It’s running, jumping, skiing and skating.  It’s athletes in relative anonymity for relatively little money training hours and hours a day for one shot every four years.  It’s everything that’s right about sports.  But I fear that the Olympics, the Winter specifically, have jumped the shark.

The X Games have taken over the Winter Olympics and I don’t like it. The only reason snowboarding, snowboard cross and the event where they ski off a jump and do 9,000 flips in the air are in the Olympics is because we, the United States, are good in these events.  If it weren’t for these events, the good ole US of A would only win about 5 or 6 Gold medals tops.  We are average when it comes to the core Winter Olympic events and that’s not good enough.  We pay the most money for the TV rights so we need to have events on TV that we can win.  This bothers me.

I’m not saying it doesn’t take a lot of skill or athletic ability to compete in these X Game-ish events.  I’m sure it does.  It’s just that they’re not Olympic to me.  Skiing down the mountain as fast as you can is Olympic to me.  Sledding down the course as fast as you can is Olympic to me.  Skating around a track as fast as you can is Olympic to me. Getting wicked air on a half pipe is not Olympic.  An announcer that uses the word “radd” to describe your performance is not Olympic.  An event that has Sublime playing in between every heat is not Olympic.  A gold medalist who credits Bob Marley, Jay Z and Linkin Park as inspiration is not Olympic to me.

Most importantly, these events set a bad precedent.  What’s next?  If the X Games can find its way into the Olympics, so can the circus.  Is tight-rope walking, trapeze swinging and shooting yourself out of a cannon ball soon to be events?  Is fitting the most clowns into a car going to get some country a gold medal in four years?  My money is on Mexico in that one by the way.  Those examples might be a bit far fetched but don’t be surprised if skateboarding is a Summer Olympic event in the near future. Get ready to hear this statement:  Joining Jesse Owens, Wilma Rudolph, Mark Spitz, Dorothy Hamill, The US Men’s Hockey Team, Bruce Jenner, Mary Lou Retton, Carl Lewis, Jackie Joyner Kersee and Michael Johnson as America’s greatest gold medalists is, wait for it, wait for it… Tony Hawk.  Jesse Owens and Tony Hawk potentially in the same club.  Now that’s Un-Olympic.

The Winter Olympics have jumped the shark, people.  I fear it’s only a matter of time before the Summer joins them.  Maybe they’ll jump the shark by adding shark jumping as an event.  I’d watch that.  I’m a sucker for irony.