Originally published November 20, 2006.
I recently went to an open mic night in Westminster, MD. Westminster is to comedy what Nashville is to Hip Hop or what country line dancing is to making someone fuckable. I knew the show would be an absolute train wreck but I was going with some of my best comedy buddies so I knew it would at least be an entertaining train wreck. The show did not disappoint.
The show begins with the always promising 15 crowd members to 7 comics ratio. As the few first few comics go up, it becomes painfully obvious that this is going to be a crowd-work-only night, meaning straight material isn’t going to get a response, you’re going to have to talk to the crowd. I laugh to myself as I see my extremely funny friend and Westminster first-timer Jon Mumma writing up a set list. A set list at this shit hole? I’m sure Jon had written down a bunch of bits that are funny and that he’s done before and a few new bits, but in my mind, his set list read:
- Joke that always kills that will induce silence and awkward stares
- Smart and funny observation that will lose them at “smart”
- Bit that won him the DC Improv contest but here, will walk a table of six
- New joke that would eventually kill in a real club but, because it bombs so hard here, Jon will lose all confidence in it causing him to prematurely retire this made-for-Letterman gem
- Ivan Drago quote from ‘Rocky 4’ (inside joke but trust me it’s hilarious so laugh dammit!)
- No matter how funny this joke is, it will be interrupted with a chorus of “Fag!” from random frat guys
- I think you see my point. Save the set list for a real show.
The show is wrapping up as just Jon and I remain to be slaughtered. Jon goes up with his trusty set list and, in front of 20 people who haven’t laughed all night, does an hour, one whole fucking hour, of sometimes brilliant, sometimes ridiculous, sometimes offensive and then sometimes brilliant again comedy that was all the time a fucking blast to see. His set list? Not once was it used except maybe as a coaster for one of the 10 shots that were bought for him. Jon isn’t a big drinker at all and he’s not a dirty comic at all. But that night he was both. I watched him and thought wow… he’s morphed into me, a dirty foul-mouthed drunk. God bless him. Jon did exactly what you had to do that night and that was crowd work. He talked and fucked with the crowd and he did it well. So well, that one guy (who looked like Stone Cold Steve Austin but older so we called him Stone Old Steve Austin) kept buying Jon shot after shot. And not the same shot, different shit, nasty shit. At one point, Stone Old bought Jon this shot called Liquid Cocaine. Liquid Cocaine is a disgusting shot consisting of Bacardi 151, Goldschlager and Jagermeister. It’s three things that are tough to take separately and when put together make you vomit all over the fat chick it convinced you to fuck. If Liquid Cocaine were a TV show it would be ‘The View’. But Jon’s no bitch so he gladly fires the shot down only to immediately spit it out all over the floor. Now that’s comedy! He then did 20 more minutes. The Kid’s got heart.
This is the part of the blog that will I act like I wish Jon wouldn’t have done so much time so that I would’ve gotten a chance to mess with these people. I will act this way for three reasons. One, I had a few golden lines that I wanted to be able to use on those fucks. There were these two old guys sitting at the bar. The one guy had this floppy cowboy hat kind of thing going on. The second guy was wearing a neck brace. There was a definite weird, gay vibe to them. I was just itching to call them “Broke Neck Mountain”. That’s gold, Jerry! Secondly, I was jealous of all the free drinks Jon was getting. I got into comedy for the free drinks. Fuck him for taking what was rightfully mine. Thirdly and by far the most important, it will make Jon’s beautiful wife Amy yell at him. Amy is super cool and is hot as she is cool. I figure if he gets to sleep with her he should, at least, have to take shit from her as well.
This leaves us with the real star of the show. The girl with the fanny pack, the bad boob job and the crooked teeth, Celeste, Westminster’s resident skank. You might have seen her trying to kill He-Man. Celeste was the butt of many a joke that night. She’s usually the butt of many a bachelor party at a VFW so you’d think she would’ve taken it all in stride. Celeste aka Skeletor was quite the piece of work. She had that, I’ve been in a tanning salon for 72 straight hours look about her. And despite me saying to her face, “Cancer called and you answered in a year,” she took to me. Another, in a long line I’m sure, of bad decisions on her part. She gave me her card so I could go check out her sexy pics online. Enjoy. Nudity Beware. If that picture were a drink, it would be Liquid Cocaine. Ughh!!! Is that the worst fucking boob job you’ve ever seen? And who gets their breasts done before there teeth? Teeth trumps tits every time. The girls got this fang in the middle of her grill. Didn’t Wesley Snipes kill her in ‘Blade’? She’s half-skank, half-vampire. She’s a Daystripper. To top it all off, she claims she’ll be in a Cinemax After Dark porno in the spring. She told me she’d be going by the name Phoenix because she’s been through a lot of shit in her life, and now she’s finally risen above it all. Take a second to grasp that people. To most girls the act of being in porno is the going-through-a-lot-of-shit part of their life. To this girl, it’s validation that everything’s going to be OK. Fucking a stranger on TV for money is her “Thank God I’ve made it” moment. Welcome to Westminster.
Comedy is a lot of things but it is never boring. I make fun of Westminster and the people there, but that’s what makes it all so fun. Every show is different, every crowd is a new story. So thank you Westminster for being you, thank you Celeste for not knowing any better, and thank you Jon Mumma. I look forward to your next hour.