Originally published July 9, 2007.
It was another eventful Saturday for me this past week. My day went from 8 AM to 6 AM, but it was well worth the lack of sleep. The day started with me having to teach my driver improvement class. It was a packed class, which means more money for me and more chances to sexually harass a student. I eat lunch at this excellent Mediterranean place right next door. I sit at the bar and, no, I didn’t have a drink. This girl from my class walks in. We make eye contact and then she comes and sits next to me. We make small talk until the bartender comes by. She orders a rum and coke. She orders alcohol right in front of me! And a double at that. I guess that just shows how little respect I garner if one my students is going to drink right in front me when there’s still four more hours of class to go. She told me she needed a drink to get through my boring class. She makes an excellent point, it’s an incredibly boring class and I add nothing to it. We get to talking some more and yadda, yadda, yadda I will be visiting her soon at the restaurant she works at. I bought her the rum and coke with strict instruction that she returns the favor when I come visit her. I wonder if it’s against some sort of rule for the instructor to buy the student alcohol midway through the class? Oh well. An alcoholic who’s easy on the eyes, I think I am in love Kristin. I see sex in our future.
After class, I head over to Ned Devine’s to get the show started there. In classic Ned Devine’s fashion the crowd is sparse. Sparse is a nice way of saying shitty. To be fair, the people that were there were into it and fun. There were two girls sitting right up front. I tell them I need them to laugh and I promise I won’t pick on them. I sense a lot of skepticism from one the girls, Sylvia. She was a feisty one and I like that. I take the stage and wish happy birthday to one of the guys in the crowd. I then point to Sylvia and her friend and tell the birthday boy the strippers are here. I went up there with every intention of honoring my no pick on promise to the girls yet, literally 10 seconds in and I am calling them strippers. Classic me. Sylvia, of course, immediately calls me out. I attempted to explain that being called a stripper is a compliment because you have to be really hot to be a stripper, so… you’re welcome. Amazingly, that nugget of genius logic didn’t resonate with Sylvia. I spent my entire set hitting on/debating/arguing with her only to have her continuously reject/poke holes in/one up me. What a turn on. A feisty bitch that fights back and wins, I think I am in love Sylvia. I see sex in our future, just not with each other.
Moving on to the real strippers. I have to leave Ned Devine’s mid-show in order to make it up to Baltimore where I will be emceeing an event at the strip club, Night Shift. It was the club’s 16th anniversary and the owner Tony wanted to do something a little extra. I wasn’t exactly sure what was expected of me and I didn’t really care for I was being paid and paid well to hang out with strippers and drink for free. Turns out I was supposed to hang out in the DJ booth all night and attempt to be humorous in between each girl’s dances. I knew attempting to do material would be a waste of time so I decided to interview each girl before they hit the stage and try to get some sexy, raunchy stuff out of them. Take my Q&A with Lexy for example.
Q: What’s your favorite thing to do in bed?
A: Have sex.
Q: What’s your favorite thing to do in a car?
A: Fuck.
Q: What’s your favorite thing to do in a tree house?
A: Eat pussy.
You can’t make up better answers than that people. The crowd however, couldn’t care any less about my little interviews. They just wanted nudity. I asked one girl what’s her ultimate sexual fantasy? She says she want to have sex with two guys and two girls in a giant tub of jello. No reaction from the crowd. I ask if she’s ever gotten close to that happening. She says no. I say, “What, you couldn’t find that much jello?” Now that’s fucking hilarious! No reaction from crowd. Oh well. The patrons didn’t seem to like me much, but all the dancers, bartenders, bouncers and the DJ seemed to like me a lot. I felt like Tim Robbins in ‘Shawshank’. I came into this dreary place full of faded dreams and empty hearts and showed them a little life, a little spark. I imagine they are all missing me today but some birds aren’t meant to be caged. If you ever make it out Lexy, I could use a girl who can eat pussy in a tree house. Get busy stripping or get busy dying. Remember, sexy girls from Night Shif’. Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies. I will be hoping that this blog finds you, and finds you well. Your friend, Rob.
OK, the ‘Shawshank’ thing was a bit of a stretch. Cut me some slack. I had a great time Night Shift and can’t wait to do it all over again. Free drinks, lesbian tree house action and jello orgies, I think I am love, Night Shift. I see me paying for sex in our future.
I leave the club at 12:30 AM. The night is young. I head over to my buddy Steve’s 30th birthday party which is only twenty minutes away. Steve works at 98 Rock and is one of the new friends I made while in Cancun. I was really looking forward to this party for I always love partying with the 98 Rock crew plus I was going to get hang with a lot of my new Cancun friends like Steve’s wife Stacey, Pam, Lisa, Buzz, JT, Angela and Scott and Shannon. I hadn’t seen these people since Cancun and they are way too cool to not hang out with more often. I had heard that the Hubers, Steve and Stacey, had an awesome party house and I was not let down. Fucking amazing! It’s more like a compound. There’s tons of yard, a basketball court, pool, beach volleyball, awesome patio area and bar, an ice luge, a petting zoo and a dolphin tank. Those last two were lies. Even though I was getting to the party at 1 AM, I wasn’t concerned with getting there too late. I show up and sure enough the party is going way strong. The whole crew was there. It was an awesome party. I drank, played basketball poorly, drank some more, made prank phone calls, left four messages on Pam’s phone while she was standing right across from me, drank some more, talked to anyone and everyone, insulted a few people, fellated the ice luge a lot, sang Christmas carols, did three sudoku puzzles and took a class on horse whispering. It was quite the night, quite the day. At 6 AM I laid down on the couch and went to sleep the minute my head hit the pillow. I may have been extremely drunk and extremely tired but my dream was clear and focused and sober and full of energy. A girl so amazing that in a day full of interesting women and strippers, a day full of stories and memories, in a day in which I could dream about so many things yet all I dream about is you. I think I am in love Pam. I see happiness in our future.
That was my Saturday. The End.