Originally published November 1, 2007.
I have made it to the finals of the Funniest Person in Baltimore Contest. Yeah for me. The finals take place Wednesday, November 7th at 8pm at the Baltimore Comedy Factory. Before I beg and plead for you to come and vote for me, let me first give you a little insight as to what this contest is all about and what it can mean/do for the winner.
The Funniest Person in Baltimore contest is to comedians what the Academy Awards are to actors, what a Grammy means to a musician or what winning best group anal scene is to a porn star. It’s that fucking big. This contest has launched the careers of countless comedians, entertainers and great Americans.
The contest began in 1840. Abraham Lincoln was the inaugural winner. He went on to become President and abolish slavery. In 1900, Orville Wright won the contest. Three years later he became the first man to ever take flight in an airplane.
1934 was a groundbreaking year for the FPIB contest. For the first time ever a black comedian won. He closed his set with an amazing impression of Hitler getting fucked in the ass, “D’Ass is good!” Two years later he won a record four gold medals in the 1936 Summer Olympic Games in Berlin, Germany in front of, yeah… you guessed it…. Adolph Hitler himself. That young comics name was Jesse Owens.
1975 turned out to be the most controversial finals in the FPIB’s history. As the judges tallied the votes there was speculation that not all the votes were being counted correctly and some weren’t even being counted at all. Some even claimed that black voters were being turned away and not allowed to vote at all. The vote was the closest the contest had ever seen. As the winner was announced many booed and the runner up, an upstart comic named Tom Myers, was seen pointing at the winner and screaming, “Karma’s a bitch, Al Gore!” The rest is history.
My favorite year has to be 1986. No comic ever crushed harder at the Baltimore Comedy Factory than the winner did that night. His set was full of energy, vigor and groundbreaking racial satire. That night Michael Richards was the funniest person in Baltimore. Four years later he was Kramer. Last November marked the 20th year anniversary of Michael’s superb victory. To honor that night and that victory, Michael performed at the Laugh Factory in LA doing the exact same set he had done 20 years earlier on that glorious night in Baltimore. Unfortunately, in one of life’s cruel twists, things didn’t go quite as well. I guess the Laugh Factory is no Comedy Factory.
Many others have won this prestigious award including George Carlin, Dave Attell, To Catch a Predator’s Chris Hanson, the drummer from Hanson, TV’s Benson, the fat Olsen twin, Bell, Biv and Devoe, and the guy who wrote the ‘Greatest American Hero’ theme song. The list goes on and on.
Unfortunately, for every winner there are countless losers. And as uplifting the stories have been for the winners, they can be just as tragic for the losers. Take Joe Robinson for example. Joe was a great comic and an even better person. A better friend a new comic couldn’t find. Joe was always there for the newbies. Always encouraging, nurturing and pleading with you to never give up on your dream no matter how shitty your act was. No matter if you work nights at 7-11 and bomb at every show. He was an inspiration to all of us. But everything changed the night of the 2005 FPIB Finals. Joe came in an oh so close second place. There’s no shame in that but Joe didn’t see it that way. The warm and caring Joe Robinson that we all loved and admired was no more. The Joe that would once put his arm around a fellow comedian and tell him it’ll be better next time turned into a Joe that would go out of his way to shit on a comic’s dream. His advice went from positive to angry and unsolicited. He would often pick fights with comics and belittle them just to make himself feel good. Two years ago Joe Robinson was on his way. So where is Joe Robinson now you ask? Try, completely out of comedy! Good riddance, I say. I hear he’s doing midnights at some crappy radio station playing shitty Nickelback records with some co-host he’d never met before. A crueler fate I cannot imagine.
So that brings us to Wednesday, November 7th. I need your support people. The audience plays a part in the voting making it crucial to bring people. So I am begging, pleading for you to come out. Bring your friends. Have them bring their friends. I need an army of Rob Maher fans. I need to win this contest. I need the 2,000 bucks you get for winning. I need the fame and notoriety that this contest has proven time and time to give. I need the launch and boost this will inevitably give to my career and my otherwise miserable life. I ask you to please help me win. I want to be the funniest person in Baltimore. I want that list of winners to read, Lincoln, Wright, Owens, Richards, Hanson, other Hanson, Carlin, Devoe, MAHER. I want this bad. But even more than that, I don’t want to be, can’t fathom being, can’t stomach the thought of turning into Joe Robinson. I don’t want to be Joe Robinson. I want to be the fat Olsen twin. Please, make my dream come true and my worst nightmare not. Thank you all.