Browsed by
Author: Rob Maher

Goodbye Japan. Hello Again.

Goodbye Japan. Hello Again.

Comments

Your favorite world traveler is back at it again. I just got back from Japan and now I am about to head right back. But before we get to that, let’s talk about the first trip. It got cut short which was unfortunate. We were supposed to go to Korea as well but that half of the trip got cancelled last minute. I had never been to Korea and was really looking forward to it. Plus, I had a day off scheduled there which promised to be a good time, but oh well. So I basically traveled 23 hours each way for one show. Good life decision, Rob.

But I did get to sit in Business Class each way and all I can say is, wow! I was comfortable on a plane, actually comfortable. There were hundreds of movies and TV shows to choose from. They had stuff that I didn’t even think was out yet. You know the two youngest Kardashian sisters? They had their sex tapes already. Good times. Apparantly, they love the black penis as well. Like sisters, like younger sisters.

The show itself was awesome. I performed at Iwakuni Marine Base. Crowd was fun and I met some really cool people. And I didn’t make the mistake I made when I was there in 2009, the great Tequila shot debacle. Rather than lick the salt and suck on the lime they had me snort the salt and squirt the lime in my eye. Horrendous! And why would I do this to myself? Because they are Marines and when I said no way they called me a pussy so I, of course, caved just like a pussy would. Well not this time! This time I told them hell no! Or I snuck out the back door of the club before they could corner me. Oohrah!

And now its time for round three. I will be performing with my buddy Topmmy Davidson again. We will be doing our thing on May 7 and 8 at Misawa Air Base and at Yokosuka Naval Base. Lets get it on!

 

Off to Japan

Off to Japan

Comments

I am off to Japan. Yes, Japan. I will be performing at Iwakuni Marine Base on April 15. I will then head to Korea and perform at Osan Air Base on the 16th. That’s South Korea. I hope. Essentially, I am logging 45 hours in airports/airplanes, dodging earthquakes and tsunamis and risking radiation poisoning to tell dick jokes to our troops. Sounds about right. My girlfriend doesn’t want me to go because she fears for my safety. She should be more afraid of my Asian fetish. I want to go because I fear for my safety. Well, that and the Asian fetish. But seriously, can you imagine how much this could help career if something happens to me over there? Anything short of death or losing the ability to speak and it’s advantage Rob’s career. I can see the headlines now. Comedian almost dies performing for US troops as another quake hits Japan. Or, Earthquake measures a 7.0 on the Richter scale. Rob Maher measures a 10 on the laughter scale. D.C. Comedian kills it on stage while tsunamis kills hundreds on the street. News at 11.

So wish me luck everybody. Hopefully, I will break a leg. Figuratively and literally.

First Ballot Douchebag Hall of Famer

First Ballot Douchebag Hall of Famer

Comments

I am talking about Barry Bonds, of course. If you haven’t been following the Bonds perjury trial let me break it down for you. Barry Bonds did steroids for years. Everyone knows it. Almost everyone doesn’t really care that he did steroids because lots of players were doing them. It was what it was. Rather than just admit the obvious and put the story to rest, Bonds decided to stick to the ridiculous notion that he didn’t know he was taking them. He claims he believed the products he was taking known as “the cream” and “the clear” were arthritic balm and flaxseed oil. We are supposed to believe that he never put two and two together. “Hmm, so I start taking the cream and the clear. My home run totals double, my muscle mass doubles and my hat size doubles. Wow, that’s weird. And where’d all this acne and moodiness come from?” It’s like Bruce Banner never realizing its anger that triggers him to turn into the Hulk. Asinine. But Bonds stuck to this ridiculous notion in front of a Federal Grand Jury. He’d rather the world think he’s that stupid to not realize what he was taking than to think he knowingly took steroids like thousands of other players in his era did.

And then there’s his personal trainer Greg Anderson. Rather than testify against Bonds, Anderson will now go to prison for the FIFTH time. That’s one hell of a personal trainer. Jillian Michaels would never go to prison for one her fatties on the Biggest Loser. I find this very suspicious. There are only two kinds of people that would be that loyal to someone, a close relative or a lover. We know they aren’t related so the obvious conclusion is that Barry Bonds and Greg Anderson are lovers. They probably started hooking up once Bonds realized the ‘roids had shrunken his bat to the point where he could no longer please a woman. Enter Anderson. Dudes love the long ball.

So let’s break this all down. Bonds took steroids. We all know he took steroids. We all know he knew he took steroids. But he’d rather fight this in court and pay millions to lawyers than come clean because he’s a giant stubborn douchebag. And his only friend in all this mess is his gay lover/personal trainer Greg Anderson. So that’s what steroids does to you kids. Things start off great, you’re breaking records, making tons of cash and hooking up with hotties. Next thing you know you’re battling the government in court and having gay sex with your personal trainer. Maybe there is crying in baseball.