Fellas, do you actually like getting greeting cards from your wife or girlfriend? Of course you don’t. I don’t want any on my birthday. Don’t want any for Christmas, for Valentine’s Day or anniversaries either. I have no problem giving cards because I know women like that sort of thing. Guys don’t. We stopped liking cards when they stopped coming with money in them. “Funny” cards or cards with hearts and mushy love mushiness written in them, ugh. I’d much rather get a baseball card. “Cal Ripken’s rookie card! Thanks babe. What a great Valentine’s Day.”

The other problem with greeting cards is we never know what to do with them afterwards. Do we put them up on our desk or on a mantle somewhere? And if so, for how long? A girl once got mad at me because I took down the Valentines Day card she gave me. I took it down in June! And you can never throw a card a way. I’ve made that mistake before to. We’re supposed to put it away in some box we don’t have where we keep all the cards and little keepsakes we’ve received from this delusional woman. You know why this is a bad idea ladies? Because if, God forbid, you end up dead somewhere and the police come over to our house and find a box full of every card and knickknack you’ve ever given us, we’re going to prison. “Detective, look what I found. He’s got over 30 cards from the victim, stacks of pictures, a key chain from Six Flags with their pic in it. Only a complete psycho would keep all this crap. Arrest him and dig up the back yard. There might be more bodies.”

There’s a simple way to remedy this girls. If you want to show your man how much you love and care about him on that special day, don’t give him a card. Give him you. And by you I don’t mean your heart. Touch his dick! He will like it. If you really care enough to send the very best, send your mouth.