Facebook has taken over the world and I don’t “Like” it. You’ve created a monster Mark Zuckerberg. Everyone’s on Facebook these days which means everyone you’d never want to hear from, everyone you’d never want to see, everyone who has nothing to add to this world has a Facebook page, a loud, obnoxious, pointless Facebook page. I don’t want to go to your stupid event, hang out in Farmville or see pictures of your lame vacation. The less interaction I have with people the more I like people but I am a comedian so I have to have a Facebook page. It’s a must have for me but what’s your excuse?

I am a big fan of keeping my worlds separate. I like to keep my ex-girlfriends apart, my former coworkers separate from my new coworkers and especially my family separate from my friends and to be honest, my life. I prefer to control how much of my goings on my family knows. Facebook makes that impossible. My Mom is on Facebook. She is a wonderful woman who I love dearly. You will always be my Mother but you will never be my Facebook friend. Sorry Mom. Sure, it’s clearly better I found my Mother on Facebook than say, craigslist but I can’t have my Mom being my friend on Facebook. That will change how I act on Facebook. If my Mom is my friend then my Facebook status updates would change. I’d be like, “Just got done saving money. Loving those vegetables. Checked in at the library, etc….” That’s not me! My actual Facebook updates are much different. “Just hooked up with a stripper. Doritos for breakfast is so underrated. Checked in at the liquor store, etc…” These aren’t subjects I want brought up at Thanksgiving. No Facebook friends for us Mother but you can hit me up on MySpace anytime.

I truly believe Facebook is dumbing the world down. It’s making us more stupider. It’s killing the art of conversation and it’s all because of the “Like” button. The “Like” button allows you to participate in the conversation without adding a single thing to it. I am guilty of this myself. Someone will make an excellent point and I will truly have something to add to that point but I almost always fall prey to that damn button. For example, my buddy Dave makes an excellent point about how fraudulent the BCS is. I couldn’t agree more. I start to type. Dave, I definat…..wait, how do you spell definitly? Is it “ly” or “ley?, efi or….screw it. “Like!” I give up and cop out at the first sign of trouble. Damn you Facebook. If they ever come out with a “Dislike” button, and you know they will, I will never have to give an opinion again. 40 years from now we are going to have people running for President who grew up on Facebook. Senator Johnson, unemployment rose 2% last quarter. Your thoughts. “Umm…dislike.”

Romantic relationships are hard enough as it is. Facebook just makes them harder. You start dating a girl but forget to change your FB status from single to in a relationship and next thing you know there’s a talkie talk. Ugh, please shoot me. You innocently comment on some other girl or guy’s photo and bam, you’re in hot water. Facebook is a relationship landmine field. You’re always just one click or comment away from drama. Even when FB isn’t causing relationship drama it still makes me angry. There are plenty of married couples who both are on FB. I am especially annoyed when I see the wife go on the husband’s wall and write how wonderful a guy he is or how he’s the greatest husband ever. Uh, he’s right there next to you in the room. Why are you online? Stop typing. This is the wrong use of your hands. He’s lying right next to you. Like him. He will poke you for real.

Despite all this I am convinced Facebook is here to stay. The movie, “Social Network” convinced me. The movie is all about Mark Zuckerburg and how Facebook was created. The movie is excellent but you come away from it thinking Zuckerburg stole the idea for Facebook and that he is the biggest jerk that ever lived. You come away hating yourself for helping put money in this disloyal ass’s pocket. You leave the movie with a strong dislike of Mark Zuckerburg. But then you go on Facebook and talk about it. Facebook wins again. See you there. www.facebook.com/rob.maher