Throughout my travels all over the world this past year I have learned one thing with absolute certainty. We are getting our asses kicked in the attractive flight attendant department. Apparently in Turkey, Italy, Portugal, Greece and Japan they still subscribe to the young, hot and thin flight attendant theory. Our flight attendants here in the good ole U S of A are anything but young, hot and thin. First of all, there’s no chance our flight attendants will be young and hot. All the young and hot flight attendants have moved on to bigger and better things like marrying a pilot or some rich dude they met in first class. The only way any of these trolls bangs a pilot is if she’s a slump buster. Captain Sully has a few bad landings in a row. He needs to get his mojo back so he lands his plane inside Carol, the always have your seatbelt on Nazi.

And young? Come on! I think some of these relics served peanuts on the Wright Brothers first flight. They are all a bunch of MILFs. Mothers I’d Love to Forget. And they have not aged gracefully. They are bitter and angry after having tended to unreasonable and ignorant passengers needs for years. And I don’t blame them for being bitter. People are the worst. The woman next to me on the flight home asked for her filet to be cooked medium rare. Lady, we are on a FUCKING PLANE! There’s no chef preparing this shit to order. We are eating a glorified Stouffers Salisbury Steak microwave dinner. It comes one way. Shitty.

But I guess we can’t dominate everything can we America? The rest of the world has us crushed in Flight Attendants and Soccer. Do something Obama.