I am talking about Barry Bonds, of course. If you haven’t been following the Bonds perjury trial let me break it down for you. Barry Bonds did steroids for years. Everyone knows it. Almost everyone doesn’t really care that he did steroids because lots of players were doing them. It was what it was. Rather than just admit the obvious and put the story to rest, Bonds decided to stick to the ridiculous notion that he didn’t know he was taking them. He claims he believed the products he was taking known as “the cream” and “the clear” were arthritic balm and flaxseed oil. We are supposed to believe that he never put two and two together. “Hmm, so I start taking the cream and the clear. My home run totals double, my muscle mass doubles and my hat size doubles. Wow, that’s weird. And where’d all this acne and moodiness come from?” It’s like Bruce Banner never realizing its anger that triggers him to turn into the Hulk. Asinine. But Bonds stuck to this ridiculous notion in front of a Federal Grand Jury. He’d rather the world think he’s that stupid to not realize what he was taking than to think he knowingly took steroids like thousands of other players in his era did.

And then there’s his personal trainer Greg Anderson. Rather than testify against Bonds, Anderson will now go to prison for the FIFTH time. That’s one hell of a personal trainer. Jillian Michaels would never go to prison for one her fatties on the Biggest Loser. I find this very suspicious. There are only two kinds of people that would be that loyal to someone, a close relative or a lover. We know they aren’t related so the obvious conclusion is that Barry Bonds and Greg Anderson are lovers. They probably started hooking up once Bonds realized the ‘roids had shrunken his bat to the point where he could no longer please a woman. Enter Anderson. Dudes love the long ball.

So let’s break this all down. Bonds took steroids. We all know he took steroids. We all know he knew he took steroids. But he’d rather fight this in court and pay millions to lawyers than come clean because he’s a giant stubborn douchebag. And his only friend in all this mess is his gay lover/personal trainer Greg Anderson. So that’s what steroids does to you kids. Things start off great, you’re breaking records, making tons of cash and hooking up with hotties. Next thing you know you’re battling the government in court and having gay sex with your personal trainer. Maybe there is crying in baseball.