Originally published April 5, 2006.

All right girls, enough with the surveys. I don’t have a problem with you filling out the surveys.  I don’t have a problem with you posting them as bulletins.  You’re bored at work and you’re trying to kill time.  That’s cool.  I understand that.  My problem is that you don’t answer every question.  I’m so tired of seeing this.

1. Favorite color?  Blue like my eyes
2. What did you have your breakfast?  Scrambled eggs and bacon
3. Last person you talked to?  My girl Sarah
4. Ever been in love?  Lots
5. Do you sing in the shower?  Like Mariah
6. Ever had a threesome?  Wouldn’t you like to know?

I call bullshit!  Answer the fucking question!  No one made you take this survey.  You decided under your own free will to take it so that means you take it.  Answer every question or answer none.  Wouldn’t you like to know?  Yes, of course I would like to know.  You know what I wouldn’t like to know?  The answers to the previous 5 questions!  I don’t care what the last song you downloaded was.  I don’t care who the 4^th text message on your phone is from.  I don’t care who you went to prom with or who your first crush was on or what your first car was.  I do care if you’ve danced naked on a bar.  I do care if you’ve ever had a one night stand or made out with a girl.  But do you answers those questions?  Hell fuck no!  You’re always like, “I don’t kiss and tell” or “No comment” or “A bit personal don’t you think?”  Of course it’s personal!  The whole fucking survey is personal!  You have no problem disclosing if you’ve ever been in love with the 4^th person in your top 8 but God forbid someone asks you if you’ve ever owned a vibrator.

Let’s vent some more shall we?  OK.  Girls, go easy on the page pimping out.  Remember, the idea is to make you and learning about you more accessible.  The idea is not to have so much shit on your page that it shuts down people’s computers.  I’m constantly going to girls pages who have like 3 songs blasting, 4 music videos playing, 16 different colors, 12 fonts, the cursor’s a butterfly one second and then the next it’s a stiletto heel.  You’ve managed to design your page with a color scheme that makes reading the text virtually impossible.  I need a black light and 3-D glasses just to make out your name only to find out you’re going by your probably self-proclaimed nickname KinkyKitten. So basically all I’ve learned about you is what you look like.  Oh wait  Every fucking picture you have up is with you and like 4 of your friends.  I now have to look at all 12 of your pictures and do some sort of process of elimination thing to figure out which one is you.  I have to turn into a Hardy Boy just to see what you look like.  Ten minutes later, I finally figure out which girl you are and shocker, what I should have known from the beginning, out of all the girls pictured, you’re the one who’s least attractive.

For the record, none of this applies to any of you girls who I happen to be friends with already.  I love you all and I’m honored to know you. I’ll even take a survey to prove it.