Originally published July 6, 2007.

It is good to me sometimes. This Saturday night I am getting paid to emcee an event at a strip club, Night Shift in Baltimore to be exact. Night Shift is an excellent strip club. The girls get totally nude. I am fan of that. And if reading up on the girl’s bios on the club’s website is any indication, they are all a bunch of freaks. There were many wonderful ones to choose from but I decided to share the lovely Nikki’s with you. Nikki is a 5’4, 100 lb brown-eyed brunette. I have copy and pasted her turn ons. This is exactly what she has listed on the site:

Turn Ons: Big Balls, Oral Sex, multiple cocks, anal sex, getting fucked up, having my way camping, bathing in a lake and having my bass guitar rammed up my pussy.

Let’s discuss.

Disgusting! Who bathes in a lake? Do you think she means big testicles or big balls like beach balls? ‘Cus I’ve never heard of a girl who has a ball, meaning testicle, size preference. I have no concept of ball sizes. I have no clue where my balls would land in a ball size chart? If one of the three women I have ever had sex with are reading this can you please message me and give me some ball feedback? What’s average? What’s big? What’s small? Does penis size and ball size correlate? Could a guy be packing 9 inches yet have marbles hanging down there. What if a guy has one giant ball and one tiny ball? Would Nikki insist on only giving him one orgasm? Or maybe she like’s big balls metaphorically. Like if I were to come up to her Saturday night and ask her about her love of balls she would respond, “Wow, it takes some big ass balls to ask me that question. I think I will fuck you and then bathe in a lake.”

Let’s move on. Oral sex is a fairly pedestrian turn on so let’s tackle multiple cocks. That was a fun sentence. I would assume she means multiple cocks at the same time. What’s not to love about that? She lists anal sex after multiple cocks but I think it should be the other way around. If you like multiple cocks, it’s a given you like anal. It’s a basic crowd control issue. She also loves getting fucked up. Well, I should hope so. You’d have to be some kind of whore to be sober and want several cocks inside you at the same time.

This next one baffles me. Having my way camping? I am not even sure what that means. I guess she is real particular about camping. Sounds like a real bitch to go camping with. “I wanted at least a three-person tent, asshole. Haven’t you read my turn ons? Now tell me a fucking ghost story. It better be fucking scary. You call that fire? Where are the S’mores at?”

All right, now for the finale. Having my bass guitar rammed up my pussy. Wow. I’ve heard of needing more cowbell but this takes the cake. This girl must really love music. A drum stick I could see. A guitar pick’s a no brainer but a bass guitar? I can’t follow a bass guitar in the bedroom. I’m not packing that much down there. If we were in a band, I’d be playing the triangle.

Last Saturday night I survived a demolition derby. This Saturday night I will try to survive Nikki. I am scared to death. Hope to be back here on Monday. Big Balls Rule!