Originally published July23, 2007.

On Thursday June 21st at 4 AM, I performed at Broad Run High School’s graduation party. That’s just bad parenting. My buddy Dave George got us this gig for he is friends with one of the kid’s parents. I figured this was either going to suck ass or be awesome. We were supposed to be clean for this wasn’t some kid’s house party, this was at the Ashburn Sports Pavilion and was put on by the school. Luckily, we were given some inside information. Who the creepiest teacher is, the biggest flirt, the biggest party animal, that kind of stuff. And, more importantly, we were given this guy’s daughter’s yearbook. Poor girl. Dave goes up first and does really well. His crowd work was awesome. When he tried to do bits they didn’t go as well which I expected to be the case. I decide I am going to just do crowd work. I get up and start reading from this girl’s yearbook. I am making up fake entries and basically implying with each one that she is sleeping with the creepy teacher and every student in the school for that matter. It’s going well. Once that “bit” ran its course, I called this couple over and proceeded to break them up. They’ve been together four months. I ask him if he loves her. He gives the classic guy shrug. She gets real mad at him and hits him. She’s madly in love with this guy and he’s just killing time until college girls. Get used to guys being dicks, poor high school girl in love. It’s what we do. I end the show with some cheesy speech about following your dreams and that it’s OK to have sex with guys twice your age. The show ends. We both did well. The guy comes up and pays us. 200 bucks for 15 minutes, not too shabby. It was a very satisfying feeling having the yearbook girl’s father pay me for essentially getting on the mic and calling his daughter a whore in front of the entire senior class. This was much cooler than anything that ever happened to me when I was in high school. As for the girl who’s dating the guy that doesn’t love her, we’re now MySpace friends. In just three months and twelve days, her and me are on!