Originally published May 18, 2007.

We arrived in Cancun at roughly 8:30 AM Saturday morning. Friday was an extremely long day. I got up at 4:00 AM to head to Baltimore to do radio, picking up Joe Robinson along the way. After the radio I headed back home to do some day job stuff. I then went to Ned Devine’s to run the open mic. After Ned’s, I did some last minute shopping at Target, went home, packed and headed back to Joe’s to meet up with him, his wife and Justin Schlegel. Yadda, yadda, yadda, by the time we got to Cancun I had been up for 30 straight hours.

We take the bus over to resort. I suck down a couple of Corona’s courtesy of Amelia who somehow had a whole cooler of them. Thank you, Amelia. The resort is beautiful. The room has a balcony that overlooks the Caribbean. There is a mini bar in the room. There are four restaurants on the resort. You can drink from 10 AM to 4 AM if you wish. There is 24-hour room service. There are a couple of pools, one with a bar in the pool. There is a pool with dolphins swimming in it. It’s hot here but not crazy hot plus there’s a constant breeze. It’s pretty awesome.

I get a much needed nap in before I got out and attempt to paint the resort Rob. I start the night by having dinner with Mickey and his wife Jamie and Joe and his wife Sheila. They talk about their kids all night. I attempt to fit in by telling them I once paid for an abortion. That is a total lie of course, I only paid for half of the abortion. After dinner I head 15 feet away to the Barracuda bar. Justin is over there as well as a bunch of the listeners that made the trip. I immediately fall in love with Lisa who is straight out of “Holy Shit, She’s Hot” magazine. When that bar closes we head inside to the lobby bar.

It is at the lobby bar where Scott the Producer and I decide to create fake identity’s for ourselves. We walk up to this one girl who is 200 pounds past human. She’s lapped fuckable 4 times. We tell her that we are Chuck and Conner and that we own a Golf and Tennis shop in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. We are here in Cancun to attempt to save our business for we have a difference in opinion on how to make our business grow. I tell her that if we were Wham, I’d be George Michael. She immediately knows the name of the other guy, Andrew Ridgley or something like that. I tell her that I want to start pushing tennis because I think tennis is about to make a comeback and that we need to be ahead of the game. Scott calls me an idiot and says tennis is dead, golf is where the money is at. This girl is totally convinced we are serious and starts giving us advice. I then proceed to proposition her and she rejects me. I act upset and go into the bathroom to gather myself. Once that got boring, Scott and I walked over to this girl who had just gotten married and told her we were the karaoke champions of Milwaukee. We proceed to sing “Free Falling”. A worse rendition has never been sung. The bride claimed to love it, her friends, not so much.

When that bar closes, Scott and I head off resort to the Congo Bongo. It turns out the Congo Bongo costs 45 bucks to get in. Thus far I have spent zero money and gotten hammered plus ate a great meal. 45 bucks sounds like 450 bucks at this point. We make a pathetic attempt to sneak in. It fails miserably. We head back to this bar right next to the resort. Its open till 4 and we get two free drinks for being guests of the resort. They have a band playing. Scott dances by himself on the dance floor for about thirty seconds. I laugh at him. He has hit the wall and realizes that he must get some sleep. I am a little more stubborn so I decide to stay a little longer. There is this girl a few feet away from me dancing with her boyfriend. She is grinding up on him. Maybe it was my drunken state or maybe it was the music but at that point I swore she was the hottest girl I had ever seen, sans Lisa. I stared at her awkwardly for another 20 minutes then realized that I turned into the creep guy at the bar. I decided to call it a night. One down, six to go. That’s all for now but next time I will tell you about the Joe Robinson fight and my encounter with a breathalyzer at 6AM, so stay tuned.